Lifelong Learning Journey with Enot

I was at work at 9am today after spending 2 days in school. So much work to do today, as I had to cover work that was meant to be done over the past few days as well as whatever I feel may need to be covered in the next 2 days. I had a meeting with my accountant. I had to personally coach my assistant. And we’re only about halfway through the day.

All my hectic schedule makes me feel like I should document my life – as a wife, an employee, and a student.

It all started from March 2018. I received my results for my PT Diploma. I achieved a perfect GPA of 4.0 and I felt like I should bring myself further.

While waiting for my graduation in May 2018, I applied for enrolment in SIT for a full-time degree in Naval Architecture and NTU for a part-time degree in Mechanical Engineering. Of course, doing a part-time degree makes so much more sense. I already have a stable job, my BTO keys will be released by 1Q 2019, so I will need CPF contributions until then, with a stable job, payments for the studies isn’t as stressful either.

But I just had to try for the full time degree because of its specialisation.

Graduation came, strutted like a proud peacock because I could. In my head, I kept thinking that maybe I could wear a robe again, but for a legitimate Bachelor’s degree convocation next?

Don’t get me wrong. I was proud of myself. But I also feel like I could do so much better. I anxiously waited for the outcomes of my applications. Eventually, I got an interview with SIT. I went, owned it to the best of my capabilities, and waited for the final outcome.

I got in. I got a spot in SIT for Naval Architecture. I couldn’t believe myself. But there was so much to consider. I still waited for NTU. Each time I called them, they kept saying they were still considering. In the back of my head, I knew that if NTU had given me a spot, I’d go for it with no second thoughts.

The deadline for accepting SIT’s seat was closing and I still didn’t get a reply from NTU. I decided to just accept SIT’s offer. True enough, a (few) day(s) after I accepted SIT’s offer, NTU rejected me.

Disappointed that I wasn’t good enough for NTU, I still looked forward to SIT. It was nerve wrecking to realise that I was going back to school. So many things went through my head. From the trivial to the stuff that matters.

In the midst of all those worries and stress, I decided to apply for a scholarship (I initially thought it was just a bursary, turns out it is a full scholarship haha), got an interview, and became a recipient! I was so blessed and truly thankful for it!

I started school officially two days ago. I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. This feeling is beautiful. And if my blessings weren’t enough, my BTO keys will be ready end of December 2018.

Isn’t God great?

I will update my lifelong learning experience as and when I can. This post is getting too long for my liking.

Life After Marriage

I was at Aisyah’s wedding yesterday, going off halfway to another friend’s wedding before going back to Aisyah’s. I never understood the rave and excitement of weddings etc. Not after I myself got married to the love of my life 4 months ago.

We had the most extravagant (in my eyes at least) wedding and it was really the best day of my life. Guests complimented our catering, I was wearing clothes from the bridal of my dreams and I was made-up by the make up artist of my dreams. Just a week ago, we finally received all the photos from the photography company I have always admired. All the photos seem surreal and they have captured everything beautifully. This joy I feel for my wedding day is still very surreal. I’d want everyone to experience a great wedding as I did.

I don’t think I can thank the people who have been a part of the wedding enough. Furthermore, I’m no good with thanks and what not. But I can only pray that they be showered with the same amount of happiness, otherwise more, as I have experienced over the past 4 months.

For now, I can’t wait to get home, get under the sheets with my husband to watch Netflix, and chill.

We watched Moana yesterday and guess what? I was bawling like a baby in the cinema. Haha! Funny how I could entirely relate to her. And who was there to watch me bawl like a baby? Ridza. Oh well, I wouldn’t have it any either way anyway.

We got engaged last month and since then, we have been hit by challenges one after another. I’m really not sure if this dugaan thing is real or if it is merely coincidental. But we kicked dugaan’s ass so far. Hence, all is good and I’d like us to remain this way and work our way upwards.

I felt like writing this post because as I was sitting down on my desk rethinking my career options, I subconsciously stared down at my rings. Probably because any decision I make now involves someone else, hence, the need to think even deeper. Then I remembered an article I read this morning.

“My husband doesn’t have a lot, neither of us do. We scrape and scrape to pay bills and put food in our bellies, but after almost 2 years of dating we decided that we couldn’t wait anymore, so we didn’t.

I wasn’t even thinking about rings, I just wanted to marry my best friend, but he wouldn’t have it. He scraped up just enough money to buy me two matching rings from Pandora. Sterling silver and CZ to be exact. That’s what sits on my ring finger, and I am so in love with them.

While we were purchasing my rings however, another lady that was working there came over to help the lady selling them to us. She said, ‘Y’all can you believe that some men get these as engagement rings? How pathetic.’ When she said that I watched my now husband’s face fall. He already felt bad because he couldn’t afford the pear-shaped set that so obviously had my heart and covered my Pinterest page. He already felt like a failure, asking me again and again ‘Are you sure you’ll be happy with these? Are you sure this is okay?’ He was so upset at the idea of not making me happy enough and of me not wanting to marry him because my rings didn’t cost enough money or weren’t flashy enough.

Old Ariel would have ripped that woman a new one. Mature Ariel said, ‘It isn’t the ring that matters, it is the love that goes into buying one that is.’ We bought the rings and left.

Y’all I would have gotten married to this man if it had been a 25¢ gum ball machine ring. When did our nation fall so far to think the only way a man can truly love a woman is if he buys her $3,000+ jewelry and makes a public decree of his affection with said flashy ring? Sure they are nice, sure the sentiment is wonderful and I’m not trying to cut down any of your experiences, but when did it come to all that? Why do material possessions equate love??

My husband was so afraid of me not wanting him because he couldn’t afford a piece of jewelry. He was afraid that the love I have for him would pale because he couldn’t afford the wedding set I wanted. The world has made it this way and it is so sad. Ultimately we couldn’t wait any longer.. so we eloped. I’ve never been this happy in my life and I couldn’t imagine spending it with anyone else ever. Here I am, Court-House married, $130 ring set, the love of my life by my side and happier than I could ever imagine.”

#LoveWhatMatters

Credit: Ariel Desiree McRae

Extracted from:
https://www.facebook.com/lovewhatreallymatters/photos/a.710462625642805.1073741828.691679627521105/1316785651677163/?type=3&theater

I was quickly reminded of a conversation Ridza and I have last Friday. It was pretty much similar to the extract above. He was afraid that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and that I would leave him because of that. It was simply because other things (i.e.: social media) and people have made him believed so. It just completely broke my heart to realise how others have caused resonance within us and it broke my heart even more to see him so disappointed with himself. I had to reassure him that it isn’t the material I was hoping for but his gestures were enough. We were happy the way we were, without material, hence, he should realise that material will never be the source of our happiness. Those extra waves of love we felt within the hour of debate, angst and tears, allowed us to emerge as a better unit.

I already have two beautiful rings, one he proposed with and an engagement ring. It didn’t cost him much but I knew how much effort and courage it took him to go into a jewellery store on his own, look for something I would like and purchase the ring he was going to propose with. We spent an entire day looking for an engagement ring within his means because why the hell would I want to wear a $5,000 ring on my finger. Because honestly, not as if anyone could tell the difference anyway because many has asked me how many thousands my ring cost. Well, if you “materialistic” people loved diamonds so much, I am pretty sure you could tell diamonds and CZ apart. Which you couldn’t. So you aren’t even worth my ring’s time. With this extremely gorgeous and beautiful ring, albeit suddenly becoming not beautiful enough in other’s eyes when I reveal that it actually isn’t diamond, I am now Ridza’s fiancee.

Well, who needs a diamond, when I already have one as my future husband?

Rizq

Today is supposed to be one of the happier days of my life. But somehow, I find myself daydreaming… in a bad way.

There are multiple times when I look at other’s lives and wonder why my family isn’t as great as theirs. Why my parents are unsupportive of my education path? Why is my brother isn’t someone I could look up to? Why is this house so big but so empty? Why do I feel that I could have been raised in a better manner given our capacity and capability? Why do I have such judgemental and world-chasing relatives?

So many ‘why’s but I need to constantly remind myself that maybe my rizq may not lie in my family but in everything else. I never had to starve myself. Good food is always on the table, prepared by my lovely grandmother. I never felt lost, I have always had shelter over my head. I am granted beautiful, loyal friends who are least judgemental and fully supportive towards everything I do. I am granted the best boyfriend (in shaa Allah future husband) who is perfect in my eyes. One who loves my antics and pampers me unlike most boyfriends. I have a great job right now too.

I guess when He takes some away from you, He gives you a lot more, to keep you going. Thank You for always looking after me.

Just a timely reminder for myself.

Throwback Quote

On February 09, 2012, I posted:

“When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.”

-Lisa Unger

This still holds true.

Tough Battle

I stepped into the school’s ‘Makan Place’ yesterday, looking for a familiar face. I met Jeff there as I had promised and we managed to catch up on work and gaming whilst waiting for the other two to arrive.

They then arrived, bought food and we discussed our holidays over an early dinner. I didn’t have much to talk about as I didn’t do much in Langkawi except for eating and relaxing. Am on the other hand, had so much to talk about as he just came back from Phuket after a long nine days of non stop partying and Songkran there. After some time, I find myself disinterested in the conversation as it got male-inclined. Don’t get me wrong though. I am used to male talks, barely ever get offended, and usually let them have a free conversation even with me around. Sometimes I even throw in a comment or two or laugh and chuckle like them in order to be involved in the conversation. But yesterday, I found myself staring into space for more times than I would ask for. I didn’t understand why because perhaps I was hungry and couldn’t decide what to eat.

We then headed to class together. Everything was going well until I had to sneeze. I was on my periods, so girls would understand what sneezing entails. It meant that Deadpool was coming. It got me into this awkward position in my chair and as soon as I settled down, I saw pairs of confused male eyes looking straight at me. Well, I don’t blame them. They didn’t understand.

But then it hit me.

I am entering an industry, whereby majority are men. I do not have any excuses for myself as a woman. I don’t see myself having the ability to defend women in a conversation. I can’t excuse myself from a task just because I have my periods. I will never be able to talk about my periods or my pregnancy (in shaa Allah) to friends in the same industry. There will never be someone there to understand what I’m going through in the industry.

I have been doing really well in school, but I know there is still room for improvement. But if I ever graduate with the best of grades (in shaa Allah), I know that many companies will still be less willing to hire me for the simplest of reasons; I am a woman. It will be a battle between other applicants and I, and I will have to shine through further despite the best of grades. Even when I get the job of my dreams, coworkers or clients may not prefer to liaise with me for (again) the simplest of reasons; I am a woman. It will be a constant uphill battle for the rest of my life.

As class goes by, I felt more and more relieved as we did some Math and I was doing better compared to the rest. But when class ended, I somehow felt like my battle for the day has ended too. Ridza fetched me and I got to curl into a Sushi on his lap and let him play with my cheeks, my hair and treat me like a princess after a long day. I even refused to play Division with Ridza last night because all I wanted to do was to put my head down without any gaming aggression influence in my head and tend to my periods.

Life is all about balance isn’t it?

To Every Day There’s A New Beginning

I know some might be wondering why I deleted all my posts. I exported my post to another url. I still can go through them if I wish to read them, it’s safe somewhere. But at the moment, I think this blog deserves something new. Like a deep breath of fresh air. It has been with me for so long, I don’t want to lose this url. Oh, and I love the url too, so no way am I deleting the entire blog because if I delete the url, I won’t be able to use it for myself anymore on WordPress.

My hormones are raging. Fuck time of the month. It’s making me think twice as much and giving me moodswings of the same magnitude. Exams (or preliminary exams I prefer to call them to make myself feel better) are around the corner and I can’t afford to have my emotions meddled around with (ironically by my own moodswings). It’s making me cry twice as much for the most lame and invalid reasons which I usually just brush off my shoulders or laugh it off even. Sigh sigh sigh.

I need my eyes, heart, and brain to be opened up. Sometimes, I sit around and wish that there’s this sudden bright light shining from the ceiling to give me hope and answers and I’d feel all enlightened already. Sometimes I wish my future was readable like a book so that I don’t have to fucking figure things out. But that’s life.

Many people should know that I’m a strong believer of fate and not a believer of love. You’ll hear me saying this all the time, “I believe in fate more than love.” But right now all I can think of is that do I really believe in fate or am I just afraid to believe in love? Probably because I haven’t found anything or anyone worth loving. Or even anyone that has proven to be worth loving. Other than my family, which is obviously already the fate I have accepted with all my heart. But then again, maybe I do believe in love. Thanks to these girls, my favourite two, my only two.

And again, I feel so much better knowing that I can count on them no matter what. Xx